Do Not Call…Or Else


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Print (English):  USA  UK

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A hilarious collection of exchanges between telemarketers and the author, who decided to stop hanging up on unwanted calls and start having fun. Entertain yourself as you experience Origami Cheese Wheels, Belok The Star Warrior, The Drainage, and many more transcriptions of actual interactions. How many times will an overseas call center call back to offer ‘medical compensation’ after the author tells them he has tumors on his wings? How far past blatantly absurd can the author push it before telemarketers hang up? And what did a family of raccoons do to the author’s imaginary dog in one twisted exchange? Grab yourself a drink and prepare to spit it out laughing as you experience Price Check On Blood, Super Power One Twenty, Potato Salad Therapy, and dozens more.

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How this ‘book’ came about…

I sit at a computer and write. All day. Often seven days a week. That’s my job. I love it. But right next to my keyboard, just a short reach away, is my phone. And, usually residing in my shirt pocket is my cell phone. When either rings I could ignore it. Or I could silence it. I know that.

Except I can’t. When that fake electronic bell starts clanging, I have to answer it. It might be important. Even if the caller ID says ANONYMOUS, it could be the most vital communication ever intended for me and I’m not going to chance missing it. So, invariably, I answer it. Usually it’s my wife, or something business related.


Except for the past year or so. In that time, the volume of unwanted calls from telemarketers has exploded, on both my home phone and my cell. This despite having both numbers long registered on the virtually worthless DO NOT CALL list. For months and months when these calls would come, I would either hang up, or I would quite forcefully tell them to take us off their call list.

Nothing worked. The same places kept calling, often with spoofed numbers to trick you into thinking, ‘Hey, this guy calling to offer me a great deal on relining my koi pond is a local businessman!’

So, one day, in a fit of frustration, I decided to turn the tables. If they were wasting my time, I was going to waste theirs. Now, I could have just played along and talked to them and lulled them into the belief that I was going to be Mr. Super Customer, only to drive a dagger into their hearts by telling them it was all a ruse. But where is the fun in that? Instead, I did what I had done best since I was fourteen.

Act like an immature child by pranking them.

And, you know what? It was fun. So fun that I began to share my recollections of the calls with friends on social media. They, in turn, began sharing them with their friends. Pretty soon I was deluged with suggestions to compile these calls into a book. And, well, I’m of exceedingly weak will, so this pressure worked.

Now, I’ve heard the reasoning against this. That these people are just trying to earn a living. So am I. The Do Not Call List was designed, supposedly, to prevent unwanted interruptions in our lives. These calls are coming from businesses who are not honoring my desire to be left alone. So, I’m going to at least have some fun, and maybe bring a little joy into the lives of people who might read this.